I'm done

I'm done believing in you
You've gone away lying to me

I'm done hoping for miracles
You're gone leaving me hopeless

I'm done crying my eyes out
You've gone making me crumble into pieces

I'm done dreaming of fairy tales
You've gone taking the fantasy out of me

I'm done wanting for more
Because all I'd gone through was never worth fighting for

You didn't try
You didn't fight
You gave up
When all you had to do was to spit it out loud

I shall cherish those moments
Those moments spent together
Together I thought would be forever
Forever it would be in my heart and soul

It was never a mistake knowing you
It was never a mistake falling in love with you

The time we spent was not wasted
Because it was happiness all over the place
And happiness is all I want right here right now
Over and over again, just like how it used to be

....

You pull me and you push me. I'm breaking apart deciding whether to leave or to stay.

Sometimes you would talk, sometimes you would refuse to utter a single word. You're mysterious just like the hidden treasure in the woods.

You stand up for what is right. You fight for what is yours. You keep close of what belongs to you. And I wonder if you would do the same if I was in your possession.

The wisdom in you that finds solution to every problem. I love the silliness in you despite everything else.

The mind that is like no other. The hand that is a giver. The heart that has no taker. The personality that is not in order. The face that reflects the moonlight. The smile that can cause hearts to shatter. All I want is for you to be a keeper. Keeper of the heart, keeper of the soul.

What do I do to have you know.. What's buried inside is making me tremble. I'll keep holding it until its time to dig it open. Open for you to see, open so you will know the suffer.

....

The feeling inside that is burning.. I wanna let it out but it will only cause fire. The fire that gives you pain and anger and frustration. All of these combined and burst out in flames... The flames of rage, the flames of wrath, the flames of disappointment, the flames of madness. 

When feelings struck and you are stuck. The love you can't deny, the hatred you can't hide. Waves of emotions hitting on the shore. I can't help but to drown myself so it goes back to where it belongs, the ocean. 

You wanna cover yourself in the blanket of safety, but it won't fit. The blanket is too small to contain the insecurity and vulnerablity. You can't hide enough. 

To let this thought out of my mind is one of the hardest things, but I have to do it.. Before the burning gets worse, and the flames that will strike 

As free as a bird? Not yet.

I can't wait to finish my studies and get away from everything here. It will be a fresh start.

I wasn't made to stay in one place. Its my job and my desire to explore more and see whats out there. Away from where I am now, away from the people I know now.

When I think of it, it might be difficult for me. But what is life without risk? We all ought to take risks and see our capabilities and we shall see how far we can go.

From where I stand right now, my longing is bounded. I can't spread my wings too wide because something will eventually catch me and tie my wings up. I'm not as free as a bird now but I will be, someday.

People that I've met had taught me different things and had helped me in finding myself. I thank them for that. I still am finding myself and I guess will never stop. Its soul searching...

Some people are nice to me, super nice. But some can be harsh. I'm thankful for the friends I have, for those who love me. Friends are the family you choose for yourself, they say. Family is a gift from God and it is truly a great blessing to have them in my life. I fight with them a lot, we quarrel. I get annoyed, most of the time. I get mad, when they ask me to do so many things at once because I'm not a robot and I hate being bossed around. But what is family without all that?

I can't wait until the day comes. When I finally get to release the chain and set my wings free. I wonder where will they lead me to. I wonder where will they bring me. The world is huge, they can take me anywhere..

Not Antarctica I hope.

Love me or own me? You choose.

When a guy likes you, they feel like they own you and they think you're in their possession. That is not being overprotective, that's overpowering. And its so not cool. We are not a property who needs an owner.

I'm not generalizing nor am I being sexist. I'm saying this from what I've experienced.

I won't generalize because I know not all men are like that. It depends on the individual himself. But unfortunately from I've encountered in the few, they are pretty much the same.

I'm not a sexist either because I know there are girls who act the same way. They feel like being in a relationship means they own the person and they can do whatever they want by holding that position.

We never own anyone. I don't own my partner and he doesn't own me. Not that I've been in a relationship before, but that is how its gonna work when I have one.

Its difficult and frustrating when people don't understand this simple method.

We love each other, not own each other.

Social media, good or bad?

Spending too much time on social media is not doing good for me. I feel like they're eating my brain out bit by bit. This is bad. It might cause me a brain damage :/

Whatever I read on Facebook or Twitter can be helpful sometimes as there are a lot of informations shared. And I would do my research from what I read, so its basically good for my own knowledge.

But there are certain things I see that bothers me a lot. People are becoming (or have become) less productive these days. They feel like sharing everything they do in their everyday life. Sometimes they share the most common and typical things. For example, pictures of food. Like, thats what we do everyday. We eat. It has become a common thing in our society today to share a picture of our lunch. I don't just get to see food served on my dining table, but also on my timeline on other people's table.

Another one is, making speculations. There are 15 different stories on one particular subject. But I guess we don't need Facebook for that. People do it on daily basis too haha, but having social networks these days worsen it. It makes the sharing a lot easier. And the news travel as fast as Bolt. Everyone is CNN nowadays. I don't know which one to believe. I would never accept anything completely unless it is confirmed by much more reliable sources and not just by some random posts you see. We all should.

Everything we do will benefit us if we take it the right way. So make it right. Social media is a great medium for us to share things, I won't deny that. Make sure its something useful and beneficial for all of us. Or something funny to make us laugh. Laughing is good. Its never wrong for that. I'm writing this on my blog. Which is a channel for me to connect to you guys. We express our thoughts. Freedom of speech aye? But I don't think freedom of speech gives you the right to speculate things.

My point is that, being too much on the social networks doesn't do me any good. So I need to keep working on spending less time here. It gives me headache too. My eyes need some rest! and some nature green colour :))

I'm at home now for a 3 months semester break so I basically have nothing to do. I haven't set my mind straight of what to focus on. I've been helping my sister with her baking a little bit, and slowly learning and might start baking on my own too hehe.

I kinda feel useless right now to be honest. Like I used to wake up early in the morning everyday for classes and I got to see my friends and went out and I always had works and projects to concentrate on. Somewhat I miss it hmm. I complain about my assignments the whole timeee but now that I don't have anything to do...... Well, absence makes the heart grow fonder :P   I'm sure I'll start complaining again when a whole bunch of tasks are thrown at me.


I HAVE ABOUT 2 MORE MONTHS FOR THE NEW SEMESTER TO STAAAARTTT

What do I think of gay marriage?

The world was in such an awe when the United States of America declared the rights for same-sex marriage. The gay people have finally proven their rights. And there are many people who support it. It was legal before but only in some of the states of America. Now it is legal in all 50. 

I get it. When I see it from a different angle.. I see these people being happy and they just won the basic right to be in love regardless of the gender. 

But I'm a Muslim.. And Islam has taught me that homosexuality is strictly prohibited. 

God has mentioned it in the Quran that men are made for women and women are made for men. We have no power to change that. God has made it our nature to be attracted to the opposite gender. It is our responsibility to carry on and follow the commandment. 

But there are the devils. They will never be satisfied and they will try their best to set us astray. It was their promise to God that they will skulk the sons of Adam into their net. In this case, they had succeeded. 

How can I say yes to this? How can I make myself believe to something that I was raised to not to? How can I go against my belief just to fit in with the mind of the society? 

I can never say yes to the legalization of same-sex marriage. 

The world that we live in today has changed. Its incomparable to the world it was 300 years ago. Some people might give the same reason as to blend in with the social changes and accept it. 

As Muslims, we should never go against the word of God. We can already see of what happened to the people of Lot. God had befallen upon them a severe punishment that destructed Sodom.

"Beware of a retribution that may not be limited to the evildoers among you (homosexuals). You should know that God's retribution is severe." [Quran 8:25] 

Homosexuality is absolutely condemned in Islam.

First impressions

People say first impression is always important. But I screw up most of the time.

I usually screw it up when I'm nervous. When I get nervous, or overly excited I always say something silly and stupid.

Just recently, this one person came to talk to me. It wasn't the first time,, but actually it kinda was. That was the first proper one to one conversation that we had.

And I said something so stupid, I still can't stop thinking about it. I felt like ripping my face off and hid it somewhere else because it was so embarrassing. But I didn't want to do that. Because he's cute, and I want to see him again hehee. But I'm not sure if he still wants to see me! hahaha

Also sometimes when you have guests in your house. Some of your relatives from Pakistan come to the house out of the blue, or your dad's friends drop by for some tea in the morning, and you have no idea about it. Just when you walk down the stairs, to the living room, with your still-no-shower-morning-face, and you see them and they see you and there's no turning back so you just got to salaam all of them and kiss them in both cheeks. Its so annoying and depressing when that happens to me. So I would just later run up the stairs and take a bath.

I screw up most of my first impressions. Eh no, most of people's first impressions toward me. Is that correct?

I need a second chance. Please, give me another shot :)

Unappreciated..

I should be doing my assignment right now but I just can't put my mind to it.

I always talk about myself here so here it goes..

People always see me as a friendly and a cheerful person. Always having fun and laughing and loud. So full of energy and enthusiastic (on certain things).

But people forget me when I'm quiet. They don't give a damn about me when I'm not the usual salsabila.

It hurts. I'm not a strong person. I'm not tough.

Some of them come to me when they have problems and I welcome them with open arms. I can't solve all the problems in the world but I listen.

They say they love you, but they don't show any signs of loving.

I know its unfair for me to say this, but its frustrating when they don't do the same to you.

I don't live alone in this world. We always need someone to be near us. To be with us. To cherish us.

To some extent, I don't think these people appreciate me at all.

Surviving in IIUM as a newbie

Hello everyone. It has been a while since I last posted anything here.

FIRST OF ALL.. I passed my Arabic paper. For Level 2 :D So no more CFS! I have 3 levels left to complete it.

I was so anxious on the day the result was out. It was so surprising knowing that I passed the paper. A wonderful surprise! I'm sure most of you here know how much I hated studying the language. But now, its a different feeling. It was actually a pleasure learning Arabic in my short semester. Especially when you get a teacher like Ustazah Sabariah. SHE IS AWESOME. I don't know how to say it. She teaches so well and forces you real hard to get there. And she's not boring. She's very funny. To those who haven't completed your Arabic, try your hardest to get her to teach you.

I'm now in the main campus Alhamdulillah! I was super excited to get here. As everyone says, its a new environment, a whole different level compared to CFS, you're gonna meet a lot more people here.

So. The first week, hence the Taaruf week (orientation)... was like shizzz. It was so boring and I slept most of the time in the hall. The briefings and the talks were like erkk. But some of the committees are so nice, I can't deny that. Thank you to all you kind people! But Taaruf is a part of IIUM. You just gotta deal with it. And don't skip the bai'ah ceremony. Thats the fun part, for me. Part yang nyanyi lagu IIUM tu was waaahhh I loved it! :)))

This is my second week in IIUM. I'm kinda stressed out right now. There are a lot of things going on. Its pretty exhausting. BUT ITS ONLY THE SECOND WEEK. I'LL GET USED TO IT! (promise but not really)

I'm missing home so so so bad. It feels like the first time I got into CFS again. I feel like I know no one here but I do. I know so many of them but I don't get it. I still feel this loneliness. I swear my room is so quiet I don't know what to do. I can't even sing in my room how stressing is that!!! It gets to the point that I'm afraid I might suffer from depression ahahahaha. I will figure something out. I can't live like this for one whole semester.

On the bright side…… I have my friends with me!!! :D The most exciting time of the day is when I get to get out from the room in the morning and walk to irkhs building and meet my friends and all the new people! Pretty cute people hehe.

Getting lost while finding the classes is normal. Its so confusing (well its your first time). But thanks to the brothers and sisters at the counter kat tepi tepi tu for always helping us out eheheh ;D

Thanks a lot to Maryam for the walks and the din dins. Food in Mahallah Ruqayyah is really good. Husna and Marissa for helping me out with almost everything here! Aina for being also very helpful. Geena for still being the one who always laughs at my jokes. Sakinah for being the girl who knows it all. Athirah, I miss you. And Nab, for always being the talkative one (kalah aku) and very kind :)

This is a part of the journey. We complain here and there but we go through it no matter what. I have another 3 or 4 years to go. I don't know what will happen. I don't know what might come along the road, but lets walk it!